When Chris and I said, "I do" four years ago, we were on top of the world. Love makes everything seem possible and there was nothing we couldn't do together. We had our plan...
1. Brittany finish school and start teaching
2. Get a new house
3. Start a family
So, #1 and #2 on the list happened fairly quickly and easily and right on target for our plan. So far, so good. Time to start trying to conceive. We figured a few romantic evenings over the course of three months would get the job done. It's funny what happens when you make a 5-year plan for your life without asking God. I think he laughs at us for most of his day because honestly we are just so silly sometimes. We decided to have a baby without asking the Creator of all life. God had a very different plan for us than we ever imagined. The first few months were normal...just the good ole' fashioned trying to conceive method with some prayers along the way. Every month, I bought a pregnancy test only to have it show me that
one, horrible, terrible, ugly, constant blue line. After about five months, I started to wonder what was going on. I made an appointment to go see my doctor. "Everything is fine," they told me, "just try and relax and it will happen when you're not thinking about it." Okay ladies, the one thing I could NOT get off my mind was getting pregnant. How could I? Every commercial for a pregnancy test was on my television, every one I ever knew was pregnant and sending me their baby shower invitations, and every pregnant woman in the world found me in the mall! Did I mention my doctor never examined me or gave me the first test? We'll come back to that point a bit later. After another 3 months, I went back to the doctor. Again, no examination. They said I was young and healthy-looking. They did offer to put me on a medication called
Clomid to help me ovulate. I filled the prescription that day, took it, and just knew it was the answer to my prayers. I'd be pregnant in a month I thought. After all, I was in control right? Or at least the doctors were, right? Wrong. More good ole' fashioned trying (don't get me wrong, it was fun, but it started to feel more like a job for both of us) and more
EPT's. Result = that dirty old nasty ONE blue line, a big, fat NEGATIVE, every time. I was SO frustrated!! This was when I started to feel bad in my abdomen. I had on and off pain and one day at work a sharp, stabbing pain in my side. My principal (boss) herself drove me to the doctor immediately. They found an enormous cyst on my right ovary. It had burst and was causing me pain. Of course, me, Mrs. Dramatic, immediately assumed that I had cancer and was dying. I didn't and the cyst was not cancerous. Again, my doctor told me that cysts were fairly common in women of reproductive age and not to worry. Of course I worried. I even had dreams that the cyst had hair and teeth and was eating all my eggs (I know, irrational, but seriously I was freaking out). At this point, I went off the
Clomid because it was making a crazy woman, messing with my hormones and everything, and we took a "break."
That's when it happened. One night I didn't feel well. I felt sick so I thought well maybe I'll take the last of the
EPT's in my bathroom cabinet just to see what happens. To my astonishment, two blue lines appeared. I took another test, 2 more blue lines. I was shocked! Chris and I celebrated, called everyone we knew, and I can't remember being more happy. I went to the doctor the next day, they confirmed my pregnancy and scheduled me for an ultrasound 3 weeks later.
Three weeks went by fairly quickly. I felt very tired but other than that I was symptom-free. I felt totally normal. On the day of my appointment, Chris and I were so excited. A friend had told me to bring a video tape to record the ultrasound. We'd be able to see our baby and its little heart beating. We went into the room and the technician began the exam. We watched the screen anxiously and then we saw the technician's face. I knew then something was wrong, terribly wrong. She called for the doctor and said nothing else. I immediately fell to pieces before the doctor could even tell us that there was no baby in my womb. He called it an "Early pregnancy failure." He said the baby had probably stopped developing about the time I found I was pregnant but my body hadn't figured it out yet. I was so confused...I thought there were signs of a miscarriage and I felt fine. The tests had said I was pregnant. What kind of cruel joke was this? Why was God doing this to me? We'd tried for a year and now we had nothing to show for it. We told everyone we knew. We'd already bought some baby stuff. What were we going to do? The weeks following that day were the worst in my whole life. I don't think I will ever really forget the emotional agony or pain so deep in my heart, but eventually I did start living again.
At this point, Chris and I knew we needed a new approach to our plan. We stopped "trying." I never went back to that doctor's office again. Instead, we focused on God's plan for us. We spent time together, talking about everything except having a baby. A few months later, a friend of mine referred us to a doctor at Emory. She said they were great and they had helped her conceive her first child. We prayed about it and made our first appointment.
WOW. The doctor at Emory diagnosed me the first visit, did a full work-up, and had a plan for us when we left that afternoon. We had to do some testing first. When we got the results, we would know more and could begin.
The testing revealed that I have
PCOS (
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), a fairly common infertility problem in young women (about 10% of women have it). We also found out that Chris had some hormones that were out of whack and needed to be corrected. That was two strikes against us. But,we had age on our side and time in our hands. So, we began the treatment process. The doctors wanted us to do Intrauterine Insemination(
IUI). It wasn't that expensive and was fairly effective so we went for it. Again, I thought we'd be pregnant in just a few months. WRONG. We tried three times over the course of 1 1/2 years. Big, fat negatives on those
EPT's. I hated that ONE blue line.
At this point, we were emotionally, physically, and financially exhausted. We decided to take another much-needed break.
It was during this break that I realized that I had to let go of the control. God was in control of this and only he could give me the child that I do desperately desired. And the hardest part, I had to come to terms with the thought that I might never be a mother and that God still loved me even if he didn't give me this gift. This was both a terrible and wonderful time in my life. I was miserable with my empty womb, yet I was growing so much in my walk with the Lord.
In October of 2009, we went back to Emory ready for our next step. It was time to move onto the big treatment- In
Vitro Fertilization. We went to an orientation, and quickly realized we couldn't afford this very expensive procedure that wasn't covered by our insurance. We prayed about it and left it alone. Then God intervened and provided the finances for us. On October 10
th, We began the two-month long treatment.
After thousands of dollars, over 15 doctor's visits in just two months, and over 126 injections of medicine, it was time to go for our pregnancy test. Did it work? The doctors said we had over a 60% chance of success. I felt okay, a little weird, but then again I was on A LOT of
hormones medication so maybe it was that. I didn't really "feel pregnant." I had myself convinced my test would be negative. My mom drove me to Atlanta for my blood test. They would call us later that day with the results. My mom and I had a plan to keep busy while we waited. We went to lunch, shopping, and to her house for card-making. Chris was at work waiting too. Hours passed and I finally got worried. At 2:00, I called the doctor's office. My nurse wasn't available to talk to me yet. Of course she wasn't. 3:00 came and went- I was going crazy. Finally, at almost 4:00, my phone rang. It was Michelle, my nurse. She asked me if I was sitting down. I said yes, and she said that was good because a pregnant woman doesn't need to fall over! I was pregnant! I immediately called Chris and we celebrated
quietly together on the phone, both thinking of our first pregnancy and the fear that we felt too.
We have of course worried about another miscarriage for most of this pregnancy. The first ultrasound was very nerve-racking. But, we saw our little baby, perfect with a heart beating at 145 beats per minute. We went again the next week and little one was so much bigger! Heart still beating, this time 167 beats per minute. We had done it-WRONG. God had done it! We have never been so thankful to our Father in Heaven for this journey and our prize at the end. We are so excited to begin our journey into parenthood...To God be the Glory!
